And now, here's the transcript for a movie trailer we'll never see:
ANNOUNCER: Coming soon from New Line Cinema. The First Family is now the First Family in Outer Space. Unfortunately, thanks to a pair of devious saboteurs, the starship White House is Lost in Space! Starring Bill Clinton as the mission commander!
BILL: As Commander-in-Chief, I hope to launch this nation into a future where space exploration can be as easy as, well, that babe in Wild Things. Isn't she a hottie? You know, when I saw her and Neve Campbell in the pool getting it — (Gets slapped in the back of the head by Hillary)
HILLARY: Bill!
ANNOUNCER: Co-starring Hillary Clinton as the commander's wife! Also starring Chelsea Clinton as the commander's daughter!
CHELSEA: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna go into space! I love it here at Stanford, with my Secret Service men carrying out my every order! Buzz, go send the Stanford newspaper editor $5000 for not printing that unflattering article of me!
SECRET SERVICE MAN #1: Whatever you say, ma'am.
CHELSEA: Chet, go buy that Howard Zinn book I need for my American history class. Here's $50.
SECRET SERVICE MAN #2: Yes, ma'am.
CHELSEA: Sam, go to this guy's dorm and break his legs. (Hands Secret Service Man #3 a photo of the guy) He stood me up last night.
SECRET SERVICE MAN #3: Sure, ma'am.
ANNOUNCER: With Kenneth Starr as Dr. Starr, the stowaway who attempts to sabotage the mission of the White House.
STARR: (To Bill) Oh, shut up, you blubberheaded boobie!
ANNOUNCER: See Dr. Starr with his robot!
STARR: (Talks to himself as he adjusts the gears of a giant robot) Now if I can just get this mechanical moron to do my bidding... (Then he gives a classic Jonathan Harris-style shriek as the Robot's arm shoves him to the floor)
ROBOT: (Spins around wildly, with arms flailing about) Danger, Bill Clinton! Danger, danger! (The Robot morphs into Paula Jones and assumes her voice) I'm gunning for your ass, Bubba! You sexually harassed meeeeeee!
ANNOUNCER: Join the Clintons as they journey through space facing all kinds of otherworldly obstacles! Planet Whitewater! The Campaign Contributor Creature! The Monica Lewinsky Monster!
BILL: (Points ray gun at the Monica Lewinsky Monster, who's about to attack him) Don't move. Get down on your knees.
MONICA: Now that's the Bill I know.
ANNOUNCER: See the creature called Kathleen Willey attack Bill Clinton! (Kathleen is being interviewed on an alien version of 60 Minutes)
BUG-EYED, ANTENNAED INTERVIEWER: Nmpf ifg xznyjks jgst orfk?
KATHLEEN: He fondled me, and then told me to unbutton my coat...
ANNOUNCER: Lost in Space, starring the Clintons! From New Line Cinema!
BILL: As the leader of the starship White House, I'd be honored to pick the best go-go girl in the galaxy. I'd — (Gets slapped in the back of the head by Hillary)
HILLARY: Bill!
ANNOUNCER: Rated PG — Political Guidance Suggested.