This is MSNBCNN Cyber-Newsreel. (James Earl Jones' voiceover plays while "MSNBCNN Cyber-Newsreel © 2008 General Electric, A Time Warner Company" flies dramatically across the screen in shiny, computer-animated letters)
(An announcer who speaks in the style of Ed Herlihy, the announcer for the old Universal-International newsreels, starts talking, while triumphant newsreel-style march music plays in the background) Feb. 5, 2008. New York City! Today, at a Manhattan Borders, former President Bill Clinton signed copies of his new extraordinary memoirs/sexpert-advice book, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Interns (But Were Afraid to Ask)! More on that later!
Right now, let's go to Sacramento, California to salute a brilliant man, software developer-turned-California governor Ron Unz! It was 1996 when the ingenious software mogul read a Los Angeles Times article that changed his life. The article was about Hispanic parents boycotting an L.A. school because it wouldn't teach their children English. It inspired Unz to start the anti-bilingualism movement, an important moment for civil rights in the history of our wonderful, culturally diverse nation!
Unz came up with the "English for the Children" measure in 1997 to ban bilingual education in California and give the state's foreign children a chance to learn our beloved English language in a faster, more efficient way.
(Ron Unz speaks to camera from his office at the Capitol Building) "Yes, English immersion, where the kids learn English for a year, and then get to sit in classes with their English-speaking friends and appreciate some of the finest literary contributions to our society, like, er, um, uh, uh, um — my software. Yeah. That was a brilliant plan of mine, yes."
Bravo, Unz!
California citizens gave the "English for the Children" initiative their vote, and so, that year, bilingual education was eliminated from California classrooms everywhere!
(A bespectacled teacher who looks like one of those beehive-hairdo housewives Gary Larson used to draw in The Far Side speaks in a Midwestern accent as thick as her glasses) "Yeah, I used to hate how the school would force me to get the kids to sing 'Feliz Navidad' before Christmas break. I hate that song. Those lyrics are hard to pronounce. Thanks to Mr. Unz, I could get Pedro, Kwang and Judy over here to sing easier Christmas songs. Okay, Pedro, Kwang, Judy. From the top. (Starts singing and waving conductor's stick) 'Deck the halls with boughs of holly...' (Stops singing) No, no, no, wait, wait, Pedro. It's not 'balls of holly,' it's 'boughs of holly.' C'mon, Pedro, you just came into this country a year and a half ago, and you should know what a bough is. Okay, honey?"
(Another teacher speaks from a rundown classroom at an impoverished Bay Area school) "Unz did a great thing for California schools. However, my economically deprived school is so lacking in supplies, teaching materials, books and videos that I have to teach my immigrant students English by having them watch dubbed kung-fu movies."
(Cut to a 10-year-old Chinese boy and his 11-year-old Pilipino friend talking in a playground like characters from a low-budget kung-fu flick) "Damn you, Bruce! You killed my brother! Damn you!"
"I did not kill your brother! You must pay for that insult! Have a sample of my fists of fury!"
Unz would go on to run for governor for the second time in his political career and win! A year after his inauguration, Governor Unz would propose another measure, "English for the Eating Establishments," banning all foreign languages from menus in all California restaurants! Another great initiative passed by the California citizens! Gone were those dreadful days when pronouncing those difficult, pesky foreign words in ethnic restaurants was a chore for befuddled English-speaking customers!
(Cut to a twentysomething guy ordering food at a Taco Bell) "Yes, I'd like a Beans-and-Cheese-Wrapped-in-a-Circular-Piece-of-Unleavened-Cornmeal-Bread Supreme to go, please."
Today, Governor Unz proposed his latest initiative in the battle against blatant bilingualism, "English for the TV Viewers," banning all Spanish and Asian-language channels from cable systems all over the Golden State! What did the ever-inventive Unz have to say this time?
"I don't understand the need for Spanish TV on my cable. No one understands what they're saying anyway. Who watches Telemundo, huh? Can somebody tell me? I mean, is there anybody out there who watches Sabado Gigante? I don't think Julio here watches that program. You don't watch that show, right, Julio?" (Camera pulls back to show Unz with his arm around his gardener)
"¿Que?"
Here's to you, Ron Unz! Savior of the California educational system and crusader for confused, tongue-tied restaurant customers everywhere! We here at MSNBCNN Cyber-Newsreel salute you!
This was MSNBCNN Cyber-Newsreel. And now, stay tuned for The Capital Gang, with your host, Jerry Springer!