Viagra, Viagra
(originally published in City on
a Hill Press on May 7, 1998)
Jimmy Aquino
Arts Desk Editor
The past three weeks have been heavenly
for middle-aged would-be Lotharios everywhere, thanks to Pfizer
Industries' introduction of the Viagra impotence pill three weeks
ago. Already the most popular drug since Prozac, Viagra is so
big Time magazine couldn't avoid doing a cover story about
it last week. Even I couldn't avoid it. To borrow the words of
In Living Color's Calhoun Tubbs, "I wrote a song 'bout
it. Like to hear it? Here it goes":
Viagra (sing it to the tune of "Volare")
Sometimes, my sex life is a valley
of heartaches and tears
And in the hustle and bustle, no
stiffie appears
But you and I don't need to give
up sex altogether
There is a way our orgasms can last
forever
Viagra, oh oh!
For the mack daddy who's old old
old old!
Let's freak at 7 o'clock
But first, let me watch my Matlock
Then I can show you positions
I haven't tried since 1976
Hope my back doesn't go out at the
height of our passionate bliss
You don't have to take off your dentures
before we kiss
Viagra, oh oh!
I don't feel old old old old!
No wonder my happy heart sings
This pill beats those penis rings
Sometimes, my equipment doesn't seem
to be functioning well
I've tried everything like shots
that make my penis swell
But you and I don't need to give
up sex altogether
Thanks to this $10 pill, I can get
it up forever
Viagra, oh oh!
You've got me sold sold sold sold!
Even though I start seeing blue
That won't stop me from nailing you
Doctor said there are other side
effects
That I might get from this pill
I'll get an upset stomach or my head
might start feeling ill
But I don't care, just as long as
I get laid more than President Bill
Viagra, oh oh!
I wanna be a male ho ho ho ho!
Thank God for these pills of blue
I feel like I'm 22
No wonder I have a happy life
Now I think I'll go cheat on my wife
© 1999 Jim Aquino