Gallery of All-Time Stupid-Ass Callers

Posted September 1999

I wish I recorded all the idiotic phone calls I've received about my program during its two years on KZSC because if I compiled them all on one show, it would be the funniest edition of A Fistful of Soundtracks ever. I've gotten some really inane calls from listeners who clearly don't understand the program's format; particularly in those days when the program wasn't prerecorded but was done live, I'd get listeners who would request tunes that had nothing to do with the show's theme that week or with film music at all. On most days, I'm kind to those callers, but on other days, I'm not. But the callers I'm meanest to are those humorless listeners who complain because they're offended by some of my wisecracks in between the music. On the other hand, I'm nice to those rare ones who call to tell me about their Bernard Herrmann record collections or their cherished copy of the Planet of the Apes soundtrack. To all those listeners who understand the program's format or regularly tune in and call to say you love the show, as well as to those of you non-listeners who get a laugh out of any act of stupidity anywhere, this list is for your enjoyment.

#1: July 24 and July 31, 1999 — The all-time king of deranged, dumbass callers: A rude, humorless, deep-voiced redneck psycho muthaf*@ka who has had this bizarre habit of calling me each week to tell me he doesn't like something I did. When my July 24 show opened with "Mountain Town" from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, he began his phone call with, "Why are you insulting the intelligence of the audience?" I said, "I think you need a funny bone, pal," and I immediately hung up on the bitch. Then he called me again and said, "I don't appreciate you hanging up on me!" The only cool thing about Don Johnson on Miami Vice was the way he'd call thugs "pal" as an insult, and I do the same thing when I'm talking to some lowlife muthaf*@ka who annoys me, such as Mr. Stick-Up-the-Ass over here. "Don't call me 'pal!'" he barked in his best Pamela Anderson Lee-in-Barb Wire-esque defiant tone. I hung up on him again and put the studio phone off the hook for an hour so he wouldn't call again.

Unfortunately, "Pal," as we'll call this Baba Booey with no sense of humor for the rest of this anecdote, called me again the next Saturday, during the "Anatomy of Anatomy of a Murder" special, to complain about my lawyer jokes after I reran an interview with UCLA law professor Michael Asimow. I said, "Criminal lawyer — wait a minute — isn't that redundant?" and "Asimow also writes regularly for the Picturing Justice Web zine about depictions of liars — uh, I mean, lawyers — on TV and in the movies." "Pal" whined to me, "Why are you always putting down people? There are good lawyers and there are good cops." I was so furious because though I like making wisecracks about lawyers at every turn, I'm a huge fan of legal dramas like Anatomy of a Murder, The Practice and Law & Order, and if I wasn't into acting, journalism and filmmaking like I was in high school, I would have become a lawyer instead. Also, Asimow told me he's a very good sport when people tell lawyer jokes, and he even tells them to friends too.

I'll give you $1000 if you can guess what I did next.

I hung up on "Pal" again! Ding-ding! You're absolutely right!

I have no patience for people who feel it's their duty to point out to me everything I do that they don't like. If "Pal" doesn't like how I do things on my program, then he should tell the orderlies at his insane asylum to change the station.

#2: Special L.A. Confidential Edition, March 21, 1998 — The bitch who called me to complain about my use of the words "butt-naked" and "dammit" in my introduction (I said, "L.A. Confidentialis up for 9 butt-nekkid little golden guys. And I want it to win, dammit!"). She told me, "That's not KZSC language." Well, I got your KZSC language right here, bitch!

#3: July 1997 — The boozehound who called me to complain that "you talk too f*@king much. I just wanna hear the music." So the next week, I remedied that by doing a 15-minute segment of movie music news.

#4: January 1998 — The brother who was obviously a leftover listener from the program that aired before A Fistful of Soundtracks when it ran on Sunday nights, an R&B and hiphop show, Divine Divas. He rattled off the names of some gangsta rap "soundtracks" he wanted to hear (I think one of them was Money Talks). Uh, one, those aren't the kinds of soundtracks I spin, and two, they're not even soundtracks..

#5: Special Danny Elfman Edition, May 30, 1998 — The guy who called towards the end of the show to request the Tales from the Crypt theme after it had been played several minutes before. Funny — even when I'm not in the station's air room to play the tape of my show that week, whoever's at the controls still gets shit-for-brains callers.