The Hot 13 Challenge
In December 2006, my colleagues at the North Bay Bohemianasked readers to pick 13 of their favorite sexy songs and burn them onto a mix CD. Bohemian editor Gretchen Giles invited me to submit my Hot 13. Thanks, Sara, for coming up with such a fun contest.
My Hot 13 CD earned both "Best Title" and "Most Backfired Intro." Apparently, Track 1 nearly made the judges frisbee my CD. Dammit, I knew I should have opened with Chef's "Simultaneous" from South Park instead of Robin Williams' "Elmer Fudd Sings Bruce Springsteen"! I'm not even a fan of Robin Williams' stand-up act, yet I've always found his Fudd-style cover of "Fire" to be amusing. Oh well.
Some might not agree, but Track 1 or Track 2 of the makeout mix CD should be a comedic track—the CD's "opening monologue." That way, women know you don't take yourself too seriously. The ladies love guys with a sense of humor. They don't wanna hook up with a total sourpuss or an overly earnest dweeb who's into wuss rock, i.e. Coldplay.
If I could go back in time, I would have chosen "Simultaneous" as Track 1.
You So Fine I Wanna Smack Myself: Jimmy Aquino's Hot 13
1. Robin Williams, "Elmer Fudd Sings Bruce Springsteen"
From Williams' out-of-print 1983 LP Throbbing Python of Love.
2. Link Wray, "Rumble" Pulp Fiction introduced me to this tune, which Bob Dylan considers the best instrumental ever. I know "Rumble"—which was the "Darling Nikki" of 1958 because parents and radio stations thought it glorified juvenile delinquency—is supposed to refer to the gang warfare in West Side Story, but whenever "Rumble" plays on my iPod, I think more about sex than violence. "Rumble" is what I hear in my head whenever I fantasize about a girl in the same way Ryan imagined Taylor as Tawny Kitaen on a recent episode of The O.C. For me, the title "Rumble" means "rumble in the sheets."
3. N.E.R.D. featuring Kelis and Pusha T, "Truth or Dare"
A CD made for getting your swerve on isn't complete without a Pharrell track or a Prince track (see track 11).
4. Eric B. & Rakim, "Mahogany"
The first time I heard this song was when I saw a Fly Girl slinking around to it during In Living Color, which was a huge watercooler show back in high school. Well, actually, we didn't have watercoolers because this was high school, so instead, the watercooler chatter took place over water fountains, soda machines and hiding places for drugs, a.k.a. toilets. Anyway, the Fly Girl slowly writhing to "Mahogany" is one of '90s television's most underrated sexy moments. And the song itself—which sampled Al Green's "I'm Glad You're Mine"—is underrated too.
5. Guru featuring Erykah Badu, "Plenty"
Favorite line: "Baby you so fine I wanna smack myself."
6. David Arnold featuring Pulp, "All Time High"
I'm a fan of John Barry's original scores for the James Bond movies, as you can see from the playlists I put together for my Internet radio station, A Fistful of Soundtracks (http://jim.aquino.com/). However, not everything Barry produced for the series sizzled, like the 1983 Octopussy ballad that he wrote for Rita Coolidge, "All Time High," one of the weakest songs ever to open a 007 movie. Everything I hate about '80s "yacht rock" can be found in "All Time High." But when Jarvis Cocker and Pierce Brosnan-era 007 composer David Arnold covered "All Time High" in a much less earnest fashion for the 1997 Bond cover album, Shaken and Stirred: The David Arnold James Bond Project, "All Time High" finally sounded like a Bond theme—and it became an even cooler makeout song. Arnold himself put it best when he said his version is like "Serge Gainsbourg in Union Jack underwear."
7. Armando Trovajoli, "Sessomatto"
The theme from the 1973 Laura Antonelli movie Sessomatto, a.k.a. How Funny Can Sex Be? "Sessomatto" is Italian for "mad sex."
8. Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin, "Je t'aime... moi non plus"
Whenever I think of Serge Gainsbourg and all the hot women he balled, I think of Eddie Murphy's old bit about singers: "The singers get all the p***y. 'Cause you don't even have to look good, and you can sing and get p***y. Just be interesting. 'Cause this sex symbol's getting p***y. They is ugly motherf****rs. 'Cause all you have to do is sing. It's something about singing. That's the business. You sing, women go crazy. 'Cause Mick Jagger is an ugly motherf****r! With big-ass lips! Mick Jagger's lips so big black people be going, 'You got some big-ass lips!'"
9. Leon Haywood, "I Want'a Do Something Freaky to You"
I was torn between this moan-filled jam—famously sampled by Dr. Dre for "Nuthin' But a G Thang"—and a montage of audio clips of Maria Sharapova's moans from the tennis court. But Maria doesn't have a funky groove behind her, so the "I Want'a Do Something Freaky to You" moaner won out.
10. D'Angelo, "Untitled (How Does It Feel)"
I wish someone would fit A.J. Soprano with cement shoes before The Sopranos ends its run, but even though I hate the whiny and spoiled moper, he's got great musical taste because he once chose "Untitled" as a makeout song.
11. Prince and the Revolution, "Darling Nikki"
The song that gave birth to the PMRC. I almost picked "Erotic City" instead of "Darling Nikki" as the obligatory Prince track, but that Chipmunk voice during "Erotic City" always bugged me. Chipmunk voices are as erotic as Janet Reno in a teddy. Or any time Man Coulter opens her mouth.
12. Curtis Mayfield, "Give Me Your Love (Love Song)" (from Superfly)
Would you, could you, in a tub?
13. Tangerine Dream, "Love on a Real Train (Risky Business)" (from Risky Business)
Would you, could you, on a train?
Songs I couldn't fit onto the CD:
Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake, "D**k in a Box"
Chef, "Simultaneous"
Chef, "No Substitute"
Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland, "Promiscuous"
David Holmes, "Tub Scene"
N.E.R.D., "Tape You" (2001 "electronic" version with extra girls moaning)
Pharrell featuring Jay-Z, "Frontin'"
Robin Thicke featuring Pharrell, "Wanna Love You Girl"
John Legend, "Save Room"
Dusty Springfield, "The Look of Love"
The Isley Brothers, "Summer Breeze"
The Jimmy Castor Bunch, "Troglodyte (Caveman)"
Jimi Hendrix, "Foxy Lady"
Tito & Tarantula, "After Dark"
Tito & Tarantula, "Strange Face of Love"
Tom Waits, "Sea of Love"
Akon featuring Eminem, "Smack That"
Petey Pablo, "Freek-a-Leek"
David Banner, "Play"
Eminem & Dina Rae, "Superman"
Prince, "Lady Cab Driver"
Prince, "Erotic City"
Prince, "Hot Thing"
Prince and the New Power Generation, "Gett Off"
The Time, "Jerk Out"
Salma Hayek, "Quedate Aqui"
Joe Tex, "I Gotcha"
James Brown, "Sexy, Sexy, Sexy"
Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine, "Shake Ya A*s"
Berlin, "Sex (I'm A...)"
A Tribe Called Quest, "Electric Relaxation"
A Tribe Called Quest, "Bonita Applebum"
Digital Underground, "Freaks of the Industry"
Sly and the Family Stone, "If You Want Me to Stay"
Air featuring Gordon Tracks, "Playground Love"
Maxwell, "Sumthin'Sumthin"
Maxwell, "Ascension (Don't Ever Wonder)"
Minnie Riperton, "Inside My Love"
Al Green, "Tired of Being Alone"
Otis Redding, "Try a Little Tenderness"
Betty Wright, "Tonight Is the Night"
The Rolling Stones, "Worried About You"
The Doors, "Touch Me"
Teo Usuelli, "Piacere Sequence"
Cy Coleman, "Playboy's Theme"
Billy May, "Dare's Affair"
Isaac Hayes, "Ellie's Love Theme"
Ennio Morricone, "Metti, Una Sera a Cena"
Sam Cooke, "Bring It on Home to Me" (live version)
Mellow featuring Alison David, "Take Me Higher"
Sheena Easton, "Sugar Walls"
Twista featuring Kanye West and Jamie Foxx, "Slow Jams"
Ramones, "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend"
Malo, "Suavecito"
William Shatner, "I Wanna Sex You Up" (from the MTV Movie Awards)
Joe Cocker, "You Can Leave Your Hat On"
Lyrics Born featuring Joyo Velarde, "Love Me So Bad"
Bill Withers, "Use Me"
LL Cool J, "Pink Cookies in a Plastic Bag Getting Crushed by Buildings"
LL Cool J, "Going Back to Cali"
Santo & Johnny, "Sleep Walk"
The Cardigans, "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath"
Portishead, "Glory Box"
Electric Six, "Danger! High Voltage"
Barry White, "Come On"
David Wain, "Bagel"
Tenacious D, "F**k Her Gently"
Alpha Team, "Go Speed Go" (hardcore remix with Speed Racer and Trixie moaning)
Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth, "Lots of Lovin'"
